The things you don’t see inside. The hurts and disappointments that have come in my life. Hurts that no one should have to deal and each and every day I deal with them.

The lies that have been told and the lies that I have lived with all these years. The stuff that I have had to carry. The hurt and the pain and anger. Knowing that your family and your ex in-laws and those who you thought you could trust are no longer on my side and will never gain that trust again.

I love what I do for God and trust him dearly. But there is a part of me 23 yrs ago that hurt and I thought that god had forsaken me and I have given up on me. I hate to say that now but it felt like that. I felt unloved and dirty that I was not or never will be a mom. Which is what I always wanted to be. But that got taken from me. I miss that a lot. For 23 yrs I have sat at the sideline and waited for the time just to hold you and tell you that you would be ok.

It wasn’t of my own doing, My mom was manipulating when it came to my kids. Especially my daughter whom we are mending that relationship. But, I felt unloved a lot in my 20’s and 30’s and felt that I could use sex as love and be loved for that period of time and then leave and everything would be OK. But it wasn’t.

There are many times I feel like I play church and play that things are going ok. But there not. I love God and Jesus and what they have done. They were there in the dark hours growing up and I love to go to church on Sunday and Good News Club after School. I love talking to him and listening for his voice and let him guide me and direct me. I would even sing to God and let him know that he’s wonderful and marvelous.